Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they he won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents?
Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Monday, June 5
Bug in Your Ear
I thought it would be fun to fashion those Bluetooth wireless cell phone ear pieces into bug shapes.
You could have a spider or a giant ant, or a grasshopper or a roach, just to name a few. I’d pick the roach. How cool would that be to walk around with a roach in your ear and when a call came in it would pulsate with a blue light. Maybe the antenna could wave around, or the legs wiggle.
There you would be in Krogers picking out bananas that don’t contain tarantulas and right next to you this guy with a roach in his ear would start talking and the roach would be pulsating blue and wiggling for all it’s worth.
Now, what would be really cool would be for Chiquita Banana to make cell phones in the shape of tarantulas and have a promotional where shoppers would find them inside of bananas.
I’m a marketing genius. Madison Avenue, you can contact me at BR-549.
At 84, Marvin Zindler is still fighting for the little guy
The Houston Chronicle wrote a nice feature on Marvin Zindler and his career in TV consumer news:
"He can grow hair," Ward says, his eyes widening. "He's not bald. He just doesn't like his hair."
I didn't even know that.
Trading with the Enemy
The U.S signed a trade agreement moving Vietnam closer to acceptance into the World Trade Organisation. Vietnam is one of the last communist nations on this planet, along with the Island nation of Cuba. The main difference being that Cuba didn't kill 57,000 of our men.
It also paves the way for Vietnam to reach its goal of becoming a member of the global trading body before Hanoi hosts the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit in November, which President Bush is scheduled to attend.All this for cheap sneakers, and a slap in the face for those who sacrificed so much over there. Meanwhile Rumsfeld is developing military ties, and I can't have a good Cuban cigar.
A vote in the U.S. Congress is still needed for the pact to take effect.
Deputy Trade Minister Luong Van Tu and Deputy U.S. Trade Representative Karan Bhatia signed the agreement during a ceremony that was attended by Trade Minister Truong Dinh Tuyen and Deputy Prime Minister Vu Khoan as well as U.S. Trade Representative-designate Susan Schwab.
Calling it a "historic step forward," Bhatia said the process had begun more than a decade earlier as Hanoi and Washington laid out a roadmap for normalization. "Today's signing is the culmination of years of hard work and preparation on both sides," he said.
Tuyen, who has been involved in negotiations for years, said it marked a "new step of development in Vietnam-U.S. relations."
The United States was the last country that Vietnam had to negotiate a bilateral treaty with for WTO access and it hopes to conclude multilateral talks by this summer.
But a final challenge remains: the U.S. Congress must vote to grant Vietnam permanent normal trading relations.
The big boom theory
In what must have been the biggest explosion ever seen on the planet, researchers found a crater in Antarctica that was created by a meteor the size of Syndey. Scientists who found the crater say it could explain the global extinction in the Permian-Triassic period when all animal life on Earth died out, clearing the way for the dinosaurs. The also believe it probably created the continent of Australia, forcing it to break away from the existing land mass. “A meteor that size would have punctured right through the crust of the Earth and caused enormous damage to the planet," said Australian scientist Dean Archer. “In that period 95 per cent of life on Earth was destroyed.”
Friday, June 2
Small Things
This flower was among a cluster of tiny little blooms in the front of my small wonderful bunglow in the Heights.....so nice.
A Breakthrough
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Oh, I think I have a name.....how 'bout.....Breast iMplants? Naw.
Oh, I think I have a name.....how 'bout.....Breast iMplants? Naw.
Great Caesar’s Salad!
This salad was originally created in 1924 by Caesar Cardini at his restaurant in Tijuana, Mexico and was prepared and served right at the table.
I decided for for my first real meal in my 1930 bungalow I would prepare an Original Caesar’s salad and therein lay the rub.
What was the Original Caesar’s Salad?
Most schools of thought point to the following ingredients: romaine lettuce, olive oil, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, croutons, parmesan cheese, garlic, egg and fresh ground pepper.
The proportions go along the lines of:
5 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
½ cup parmesan cheese
2 garlic cloves
1 head of lettuce
shake of Worcestershire
1 egg
Variations include a can of anchovies (always wondered if I'd like these fishy things).
Further variations include avocado, tomato, cashews, chicken and other things, perhaps a bowling ball. Who knows?
All cockfloppery aside, my fresh Caesar’s Salad turned out splendiferous and I’ll share the blueprint here.
First, I baked, not fried, the croutons in the oven by brushing slices of La Madeline bread with olive oil, sprinkling some salt, pepper and garlic powder and baking at 350 for about 10 minutes.
Next, I broke up a head of romaine lettuce into half-inch pieces. Into separate small bowls I prepared the olive oil, anchovies minced with two cloves of garlic, parmesan cheese, and fresh lemon juice.
Next, I coddled the egg by dropping a room temperature egg into boiling water for 45 seconds, then dumping the egg into iced water.
To prepare the salad I dumped in the olive oil, lemon juice, anchovies/garlic and parmesan cheese, croutons and tossed with great panache. Then I cracked the coddled egg over the salad and tossed until it was incorporated. Finished with fresh black pepper per serving.
Two words:
Rave. Review.
I don’t know if it was the preparation of the salad at the table, or the fact that all the ingredients were fresh or that the croutons were baked or that the parmesan was Italian.
Who knows?
The combination was fantastic, the anchovies added some salt and the fresh lemon juice provided just the right snap.
I think I’ll try this again with some variations and I’ll check out using Worcestershire sauce instead of anchovies just for grins.
Personally, though, I now know I love those little salty, oily fishes!
I decided for for my first real meal in my 1930 bungalow I would prepare an Original Caesar’s salad and therein lay the rub.
What was the Original Caesar’s Salad?
Most schools of thought point to the following ingredients: romaine lettuce, olive oil, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, croutons, parmesan cheese, garlic, egg and fresh ground pepper.
The proportions go along the lines of:
5 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
½ cup parmesan cheese
2 garlic cloves
1 head of lettuce
shake of Worcestershire
1 egg
Variations include a can of anchovies (always wondered if I'd like these fishy things).
Further variations include avocado, tomato, cashews, chicken and other things, perhaps a bowling ball. Who knows?
All cockfloppery aside, my fresh Caesar’s Salad turned out splendiferous and I’ll share the blueprint here.
First, I baked, not fried, the croutons in the oven by brushing slices of La Madeline bread with olive oil, sprinkling some salt, pepper and garlic powder and baking at 350 for about 10 minutes.
Next, I broke up a head of romaine lettuce into half-inch pieces. Into separate small bowls I prepared the olive oil, anchovies minced with two cloves of garlic, parmesan cheese, and fresh lemon juice.
Next, I coddled the egg by dropping a room temperature egg into boiling water for 45 seconds, then dumping the egg into iced water.
To prepare the salad I dumped in the olive oil, lemon juice, anchovies/garlic and parmesan cheese, croutons and tossed with great panache. Then I cracked the coddled egg over the salad and tossed until it was incorporated. Finished with fresh black pepper per serving.
Two words:
Rave. Review.
I don’t know if it was the preparation of the salad at the table, or the fact that all the ingredients were fresh or that the croutons were baked or that the parmesan was Italian.
Who knows?
The combination was fantastic, the anchovies added some salt and the fresh lemon juice provided just the right snap.
I think I’ll try this again with some variations and I’ll check out using Worcestershire sauce instead of anchovies just for grins.
Personally, though, I now know I love those little salty, oily fishes!
Ultimate Jalapeno Pepper Poppers
OK, can you tell I have food on the brain today.......lol
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese (4oz.)
1 cup shredded monterey jack cheese (4oz.)
6 slices bacon, cooked, crumbled
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1 lb fresh jalapenos, halved lengthwise and seeded
1/2 cup dry breadcrumbs
2-3 eggs
sour cream or salsa or prepared onion dip or ranch salad dressing (or any combo of the above!)
In mixing bowl, combine first 7 ingredients, mix well.
Spoon about 2 Tbl. filling into each pepper half.
Roll in eggs, then breadcrumbs, and place into greased 15"x10"x1" baking pan.
Bake, uncovered, in 350º oven for 20 minutes for spicy, 30 minutes for medium, and 40 minutes for mild.
Serve with sour cream, salsa, dip or dressing.
Makes about 2 dozen.
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese (4oz.)
1 cup shredded monterey jack cheese (4oz.)
6 slices bacon, cooked, crumbled
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1 lb fresh jalapenos, halved lengthwise and seeded
1/2 cup dry breadcrumbs
2-3 eggs
sour cream or salsa or prepared onion dip or ranch salad dressing (or any combo of the above!)
In mixing bowl, combine first 7 ingredients, mix well.
Spoon about 2 Tbl. filling into each pepper half.
Roll in eggs, then breadcrumbs, and place into greased 15"x10"x1" baking pan.
Bake, uncovered, in 350º oven for 20 minutes for spicy, 30 minutes for medium, and 40 minutes for mild.
Serve with sour cream, salsa, dip or dressing.
Makes about 2 dozen.
Breaking News: There is no news!
Apparently, the public now needs to be told there aren't any hurricanes out there.
Ten other things they can tell us aren't out there over and over:
Ten other things they can tell us aren't out there over and over:
10. Unbiased media sourcesBut as soon as there's proof or these things happen, they'll be sure to be right on top of them.
9. Democrats with any sort of long-range budget plan or Iraq strategy either
8. Arab allies
7. EU allies
6. H2H Bird Flu strain
5. Another celebrity couple having a baby
4. Practical renewable cheap energy alternatives in widespread use
3. Stable operating systems for computers
2. Reliable spam and spyware protection
1. Proof that cell phones cause cancer
Steer for the sidewalk cafe! Steer for the sidewa-
Egad... strap some C-4 on to these guys and you've got the Palestinian Air Force.
Allahu Ackbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!
*BOOM*
How do you say “kiss my ass” in Hebrew?
I just got the following unsolicited email written in Hebrew. I guess spam is Kosher now:
כמה זה עלה?
מחיר שיחה לנייד של רשת מירס. זהו.
התחייבויות, חוזים?
לא! תתקשר מכל קוו (גם טלפון שקלים, וגם טלקארד שבחוץ),
מתי שבא לך, כמה שבא לך, ללא התחייבות, ובלי הרשמה.
הטלפון שלי בבית חסום לשיחות לחו”ל, מה עושים?
מתקשרים, זה לא חסום לשיחות למירס.
ומה יופיע בחשבון חודשי?
החיוב מופיעה כחלק מהחיובים של חברות סלולאר (מירס).
ולאן אפשר להתקשר?
Bumper Sticker Watch
"Somewhere in Texas a village is missing an idiot"
-- Volkswagen Jetta, Pennsylvania plates, Shepherd Drive, Houston Heights, TX
Thursday, June 1
Fun "Out of the Office" reply messages to consider......
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Marvin' instead of 'Martha.'
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Marvin' instead of 'Martha.'
Can someone put a stop to this madness?
If we are what we eat, we're in trouble...
KFC's newest creation is a "generous portion" of creamy mashed potatoes, mixed with corn, fried chicken, "homestyle" gravy and a 3-cheese blend.
It's all put in a bowl.
In other words:
They call it "KFC's Famous Bowls." It's plural -- b-o-w-l-s. This may mean there will be more famous bowls in the future. More combinations, but all, no doubt, starting with that "generous portion of creamy mashed potatoes."
The nation's Body Mass Index lurches onward, through the fog.
KFC's newest creation is a "generous portion" of creamy mashed potatoes, mixed with corn, fried chicken, "homestyle" gravy and a 3-cheese blend.
It's all put in a bowl.
In other words:
Dispense with utensils altogether! Put bowl to pie hole and just let it slide on down. With a big ol' jug o' sody pop, well, what more could you possibly want?"All the KFC favorites you know and love served in a convenient easy-to-eat bowl!"
They call it "KFC's Famous Bowls." It's plural -- b-o-w-l-s. This may mean there will be more famous bowls in the future. More combinations, but all, no doubt, starting with that "generous portion of creamy mashed potatoes."
The nation's Body Mass Index lurches onward, through the fog.
Too short for punishment
A Nebraska judge ruled that because a convicted child molester is too short, he gets 10 years probation rather than jail time. District Judge Kristine Cecava said she thought 5-foot-1 Richard W. Thompson would be at risk in the prison system. It's a shame the judge is more concerned with the perpetrator's interests than the 12-year-old victim's.
More from the, "What will they try next" department....
Convicted killer request sex change
Claiming that denying his request amounts to cruel and unusual punishment, a man convicted of killing his wife is asking a federal judge to order the state to pay for a sex change operation. Robert Kosilek sued the Department of Correction for the second time last year, saying that numerous psychiatrists who had examined him had determined that a sex change operation is ``medically necessary” and that they believe he will kill himself if the state refuses to allow the procedure. In 2002, a US District ruled that Kosilek was entitled to treatment for gender identity disorder--which includes psychotherapy, female hormone treatments, and laser hair removal--but stopped short of ordering the state to pay for the sex change operation.
Claiming that denying his request amounts to cruel and unusual punishment, a man convicted of killing his wife is asking a federal judge to order the state to pay for a sex change operation. Robert Kosilek sued the Department of Correction for the second time last year, saying that numerous psychiatrists who had examined him had determined that a sex change operation is ``medically necessary” and that they believe he will kill himself if the state refuses to allow the procedure. In 2002, a US District ruled that Kosilek was entitled to treatment for gender identity disorder--which includes psychotherapy, female hormone treatments, and laser hair removal--but stopped short of ordering the state to pay for the sex change operation.
Do evangelicals love big government?
In a Wall Street Journal editorial, Heather Wilhelm asks if evangelicals are learning to love “big government.” With evangelicals focusing on the environment, AIDS, and prison-rights, Wilhelm wonders if we are seeing a “new liberal breed of evangelical.” "Why are these people punting to the federal government?" asks Jay Richards, an evangelical and a research fellow at the Acton Institute for the Study of Religion and Liberty. "You can't be compassionate with other people's money. Even worse, they're not thinking about the consequences of these policies. They're too busy feeling warm and fuzzy and absorbing liberal ideas."
The Astros now have a (gulp) $104-million payroll
Don't ever call our Uncle Drayton cheap. Ever. That's yesterday's news.
He has done a terrific job of growing the revenues. The Astros now bring in around $178 million. And the payroll has grown accordingly.
With the signing of Roger Clemens, the Astros have baseball's sixth-highest payroll and they're one of seven teams spending more than $100 million.
1. Yankees, $195 million.
2. Red Sox, $120 million.
3. Angels, $104 million.
5. White Sox, $103 million.
6. Astros, $104 million.
7. Mets, $101 million.
Drayton McLane is hoping for an insurance rebate on Jeff Bagwell's $17 million, but that's no certainty. Even though he doesn't know if he'll get a dime back on Bagwell, he spent the money necessary to re-sign Clemens.
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